The Ben Baker Dirty Video Cassette

Talk About Talk About The Passion

2011-08-05T19:01:00.001+01:00

Apologies for silence on the blog again but that would be because I've been doing a shedload over here:

So if you'd like come and have a look and let me know what you think, that'd be very much appreciated. The whole site and style is still being developed as we go but we figured it was a better idea to have something worth reading up there first and foremost. And I think there's some genuinely great new material for you to ogle on the site - not just by myself but Tim Worthington, Garreth F Hirons, Chella Quint and Justin Lewis with a selection of facts, trivia and personal favourites that we find fascinating and maybe you might too...

http://www.tatp.org/blog/

Ben, Ken And The Scheduling Men

2011-07-20T22:26:00.062+01:00

I suddenly just had a thought - do I need to explain my blog title?

Its admittedly not that obvious a pun or play on anything specific - at least if you're under thirty. For those who are older or - like me - are obsessive comedy spods, you'll most likely be familiar with "The Kenny Everett Video Cassette", which was cuddly Ken's final series for Thames, following the almost identical "The Kenny Everett Video Show" and a million forgotten TV vehicles in the late sixties (these include: Nice Time, Not So Bad Time, Absolutely Bloody Horrible Time and Time To Get In A Good Lawyer, Pal.)

This final ITV run from 1981 was probably the best of the lot with the effects beginning to catch up to the imagination of Kenny and his cohorts Ray Cameron (father of Michael McFisheries from BBC TV "Michael McFisheries 'Comedy' Roadshow") and Barry Cryer, at this time working on new combinations of the white hair / black beard / pederast glasses look that was popular with Barry Cryers at the time. Plus it was very very funny.

However, the show was moved from its now traditional Monday 7pm slot (can you imagine such a thing now in the Emmerdale position? Also: can you imagine such thing as an Emmerdale position? Ew.) to Thursdays opposite the ever popular Top Of The Pops which naturally for such a hip show as Ken's shared a lot of the same audience, with both featuring musical turns (not to mention the dodgy writhing dancer types, courtesy of Dodgy Writing Dancer Types' Arlene Phillips.)

And so Ken, Cryer, Cameron and characters all pottered off to the hip, exciting BBC (see above) where five series of varying quality - and some rather fantastic specials - took pride of place from 1981 to 1988 - often just after Top Of The Pops to boot. Hopefully these will eventually see the light of day on DVD at some point when the Beeb realize they've literally NOTHING ELSE left in the cupboard. Not even "Invasion Of The Dinosaurs" with extra dinosaurs.

As for me, I thought adding "Dirty" in front of "Video Cassette" would be suitable for a podcast I made in 2007-08 in lieu of having any proper ideas of my own. I may even put some of those up one day, but don't worry, its all done...in the best possible taste*!!!!!!!!11

*Except for when I say cunt and accidentally drowned that Alsatian. Obviously.

Great Comic Panels Of Our Time: Number 3 - Korky The Cat

2011-07-18T13:09:00.050+01:00

I was searching for interesting comic rarities as I am often want to do recently when I came across this Korky The Cat panel from The Dandy. I'm not sure its possible to get a weirder, more out-of-context picture, whilst still being hugely blase about smoking A GIANT FUCKING STOGIE and looking massively pleased about it into the bargain. In fact, taking most Korky panels from the old days seems to result in some plain good ol' fashioned fucking weirdness...

Still I suppose at least he wasn't pervy ol' Biffo the Bear at least...

Scuttling along sideways slightly to The Dandy's sister paper, I was delighted to see these titles again from the 1993 straight-to-VHS release "The Beano Video". My friend Phil owned it and I made a cheeky pirate copy (that will still be in the spare room somewhere I'm sure) which I watched relentlessly - but to part more than the title sequence which was just so bloody EXCITING. All your comic favourites (all = some. Also: The Three Bears) interacting WITHIN THE COMIC PANELS.

...and instantly I'm 12 again. Although that doesnt mean you can do that, Biffo. Dirty Biffo.

Wah!

And Its Beautiful

2011-07-17T22:34:00.002+01:00

Here is "Twilight" by the late Elliott Smith being played live and acoustically (with Smith mimicking the backing synths with his mouth) back at the stage it was still tentatively called "Somebody's Baby". One of the most beautiful voices in pop and a song that never fails to make my bottom lip quiver, whilst simultaneously soaring through my heart. It has an additional sting especially as it was never released in Smith's lifetime following his suicide in 2003 - issued posthumously on the incredibly essential 2004 rarities / unreleased tracks collection "From A Basement On The Hill".

If you like it and want to search out more then I particularly recommend his 1997 album "Either / Or" which never steps a foot wrong with some of his strongest pop moments, although it would be his follow-up "XO" after signing to Dreamworks Records and having several songs appear in "Good Will Hunting" that saw him truly breakthrough to a real mainstream audience.

Failing that, the cheap and cheerful "An Introduction To...Elliott Smith" is an equally welcome starter guide to his work, mixing the rawer and acoustic-driven moments with some of the later more commercial tracks (although bizarrely only one track from XO and an earlier version of the Oscar nominated "Miss Misery".) If you want to hear the song as it was mixed then I've provided that for you too.

Please enjoy.

A Trip To The Bradford Media Museum (In Pictures)

2011-07-15T13:15:00.000+01:00

My (Little) Brother Jake

2011-07-14T22:33:00.004+01:00

Wednesday was an interesting sort of day for me. It began on Friday ("blimey! thats some long Wednesdays!" - reader, "Put some damn pants on" - me) when Kat, my girlfriend sent a text to ask if I'd be up for looking after our friend Claire's son Jake. I've met Jake a few times and like him a great deal. He's 12 years old, a high functioning autistic and, most importantly, a really genuinely nice kid. Of course, I said yes straight away. I then preceded to worry about this for the next four days.

Not that I didn't think he'd enjoy the experience - kids seem to like me in general which has probably got quite a lot to do with the fact that I wear Muppet T-shirts, have a house full of cartoons and toys, listen to loud music and generally look like a boy in an ill-fitting adult suit. This could open the window for being one of the town's leading pederasts but thankfully I'm not all into that scene. Hell, I barely like most children so the idea of being even more close to the snotty, unpleasant beings...no thank you.

Thankfully, Jake isn't at all like that having been brought up properly and I knew we'd have a good day...but still in the back of my head was the thought that I was this young person's sole care giver for the day and I'd better not fuck this up. I thought of a few DVDs he might like to watch - not the easiest task with a 12 year old, despite what you'd assume - and figured we might play a bit of Xbox. Beautiful Katamari, LEGO Harry Potter, that sort of thing...

In case you don't know what Dead Rising 2 is. Well, there's some zombies. Lots of zombies. And blood...so very much blood. Its an 18 certificate full on Romero-homaging mall-centric 'smoosh em up' and a lot of fun to boot (although still glitchy, suffocated by tightly-timed missions and missing a proper two player mode, Zomb-o-game fans!) but probably not what a highly impressionable preteen lad should be spending a beautiful sunny day bashing away at.

When I was 12, I was still terrified by the flesh coming off the animated skull on the countdown clock used on CITV's "Knightmare" and the box-art for "Ghoulies". So zombie apocalypse? Surely that cant be a good thing? Do I be a boring adult about this? Its making him happy and he didn't seem to be especially warped by the admittedly cartoonish violence. I let it slide but all the time couldn't help feeling I was being an awful babysitter though and tried to at least get him onto a nice calming 15 certificate game like "Batman: Arkham Asylum". But to little avail.

When he asked to plug in the headset, I figured it'd be fine as the game is a year old and there'll not be many people about at 9am UK / 1am US playing it. And mostly I was right as only two people were about and he managed to piss one of them off when he accidentally threw an axe through their head. As you do.

The other player stayed on for a while and it was soon clear Jake was having a proper conversation with someone, asking them tips and the like. This genuinely put the fear of god into me as it could have been any old creep and certainly was unlikely to be a kid at this time of day so I suddenly in one fell swoop understood why parents are such idiots, particularly after reading newspapers. As it happened, it WAS a kid - an American 13 year old to be precise - or at least that what they said anyway but here was definitely no responses along the lines of "3 inch on the slack, why do you ask?" so I figured it was probably alright.

Eventually, he came off the game and even ate his packed lunch after several attempts. This wasn't because he was defying me in any way but rather that he was genuinely so excited to be at my house, playing cool games and feeling a bit special that he was behaving like a giddy meerkat with ADD. It felt nice to be an adult if just for a few hours - I like the idea of kids more than actually ever having my own. Giving them back at the end of the day is just A-OK with me.

And I think Jake went home basically the same shape as he arrived in...

...Ish.

Non Plussed

2011-07-13T23:43:00.020+01:00

Hello. I am on Google Plus now.

Personally, I always preferred Google Men and Motors myself but at least its not Google Breeze... If you're on there, you can probably quite easily find me. If you're not, I don't as yet see any specific reason you'd need to rush. It took about four months for Twitter to seem worthwhile and I'm not sure Facebook has even kicked in yet. (Bitter about them taking away Literati? Me?!!?)

That said I've been toying with giving up my main Twitter account for a while now. Partly because its a distraction (as - like facts about European waterways - it can be dangerously fascinating) but there is part of me that loathes the element that's seen it become a miniature comedy forum. I've no issues with people who use them but I deliberately swore off all forums a few years ago for a very good reason - I'm fed up of being told I'm wrong by people I don't know. Or worse still, people I do.

I'm trying the private account thing for now which is as tedious to type as it was to read. Lets have some exciting words in bold now. Knocker! Front porch! Harold Wilson! - Phew, that's better... So, yeah, find me on these social media sites if you really want. Or not. Absolutely nothing of any value will occur regarding either decision. Unless you're a murderer and you want to choose someone for a good old murdering, in which case....don't? Hope this helped!

Goolge.

Why Community Is Fantastic: Reason 4,537

2011-07-12T00:08:00.003+01:00

A clip show made out of entirely new and unseen adventures, including a visit to a wild west town, camping and disturbingly for an 8pm sitcom, this...

Roll on season three...

Video Blog No.1: Fridge Logic

2011-07-08T12:33:00.000+01:00

Having an experiment with video blogging again after a three year gap, although the rigmarole between simple filming then having to convert and upload it means I might not bother doing anymore. This is basically just some nonsense I thought up on the spot in my kitchen (which needs a bloody good clean I know). Do an enjoy:

(Yes, I know I buggered up the ratios but...shut up.)

Vizion On

2011-07-07T13:06:00.003+01:00

A few months ago I decided to take the plunge on an eBay lot of 40 assorted Viz comics ranging from 1987 to 1996. I've had the annuals featuring the best bits of all these of course and much treasured the early ones are too, but there's nothing quite as exciting as seeing things in context with the time as well with as the advertisements that accompanied each edition.

There's undoubtedly a huge targeted push towards students in the language, style and nature of adverts in those late 80s / early 90s copies, where it was flogging around a million per issue. Often this seems incredibly crude and borderline insulting thanks to ad men chiefly believing the readers are all dribbling flatulent idiots with "I LIKE KNOCKERS" T-shirts on. Which admittedly many probably were but misses the more satirical, barbed side to Chris Donald's booming organ. F'narr.

Nonetheless, there was a sense of vague excitement when previously quite strait-laced companies were smashing the whole rule book to create (often unique to Viz) advertising with naughty words and references to bottoms. I hope to write further about this in the future as I find modern history fascinating, especially when seen through the eyes of the incumbent trends of the time. And few trends have changed or developed more in the last two decades than the world of comedy, which around the time of these scans (1991-93) was about to enter its short-lived Collins the Chin-approved "new rock 'n' roll" era.

Here's a handful of adverts for comedy acts, videos and sheer oddness that show the build up to that, along with the rise of certain names that would soon dominate the comedy landscape - and none more so than a little management outfit named Avalon...

[click any picture for embiggening]

I'm impressed they bothered to get the correct font for the "MARY". As for advertising fame off the back of "Me You And Him"...well, at least it wasn't "Fiddlers Three"...

That apostrophe is technically right but seems so very wrong. These were pretty much the videos that were were dominant throughout the entire nineties. I can recall the sheer excitement upon realizing I hadn't seen the repeatedly-delayed final episode of Bottom series 2 ("'S Out" - the brilliant camping episode, probably the best of the entire second run to boot) when my friend Chesh got hold of the VHS. Great days, Eddie.

I remain thoroughly unknighted.

The place where it all started. Awards = videos = SUPERFAMES!

You asked for it - YOU GOT IT! Very slowly! With three episodes per tape. And 143 shows to get through! Christ, how did we not go insane collecting videos? Still, £10.99 was very reasonable...

And its out already! Barely two issues later and the still-running tour is hurriedly bunged out on sell-through tape before anyone sees the Carrott Confidential repeats on UK Gold. As for U2 or RayBan? Pah, we know who commands the big respect round these parts...

Ben Elton's stand-up has always left me a little cold, often brimming with good ideas but hampered by a desire to be everybody's pal. Still, some people think he's "Brilliant" and this might be the last era who truly was. Let me know what you think in the comments box below.

Never seen a copy of this so no idea how far back it skewed but I believe this is the VHS with a booklet written entirely by Lee and Herring back when they could be around other people. This presumably tied in with the Spitting Back repeat runs which were my first real exposure to Spitting Image around 91/92 (especially as in the Yorkshire region they often ran at half 9 during the summer holidays.)

I must confess a sneaky love for the first Bottom stage show, which I saw on video aged 13 and just adored - endlessly rewatching my pirated copy and howling at the naughtier antics of two men who managed to unite the incredibly different comedy tastes of my Dad and I, if just for half an hour at a time.

Sadly this would be more the sort of thing my Dad enjoyed. Which doesn't make him a bad person, just a bit more obvious in his search of laughs. Due to the fact my parents ran a transport cafe at the time, all sorts of weird things would be passed on to my Dad as he "liked a laugh". One such thing would be an audio tape of this guy who was indeed singing "THAT Santa Claus song" sometime around 1993. PolyGram threw a lot of money at "naughties" around this era which depressingly would've sold well. At least until the release of Chubby Brown's "UFO" anyway...

Much more like it. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th volumes were a bastard to find at the turn of the last decade whilst its scientifically proven that no household is ever more than 10ft away from a copy of "Vic Reeves' Big Night Out On Tour". SCIENCE!

What have the following got in common? They're all depressingly shot and not very funny. Never been a fan of Derek and Clive material on the whole ("on the hole, Pete? Sarnds like anavver word for 'bum'...") and this incredibly delayed video (initially shot in early '78 during the Ad Nauseum sessions) is by far the worst of their collaborations, being a grim look at alcoholism and failure rather than two great pals making comedy gold.

But if you want real no nonsense sweary funtimes....

Yeah. I do wonder if anyone bought this. I wonder even more if someone's put it onto YouTube as I'm sure that it would be truly hilarious...

Oh.

Well, that's all for now. If you like this post, let me know and I'll put some more advertisements up in the near distant future. Until then I've been Farts Bollocksandpiss. BUY MY VIDEO!

Great Comic Panels Of Our Time: Number 2 - Dennis the Menace

2011-07-04T11:46:00.002+01:00

These days this would be called grooming. See also:

...which may as well be:

Pederast bears. Together we'll crack it.

37 Fabulous Years Of The Red Pig Quiz (Part Two)

2011-07-03T11:36:00.040+01:00

Because nobody asked for it! And because I started a sentence with because! And keep saying it to boot! Here's some more of the messages I've sent out over the past two years to local patrons of my fun if slightly backwards pub quizzes. I've got almost no feed back from the 70+ people who receive this week in, week out so gawd knows what anyone thinks of it. I get paid either way so...meh. Enjoy.

12 October 2010
The Red Pig Quiz Needs You
I love you. Please come to my quiz. It is at half past 9 and this week covers the rounds First Things Second, Metal On Metal, Connections, Roger Roger, B-Boys In The Band, All Together Then, Fortunes Of Family and Dingbats!

There's a gallon of beer for the winner and its free to enter. Put it in your diary now! OR GHOSTS WILL EAT YOU. THANKS.

25 October
Pigoween At The Red Pig - Quiz And Disco
Hello boys and ghouls! Sorry, that should've read "girls" - that's the last time I buy a spell-checker from a man in a Deputy Dawg costume...

Rehashed nonsense aside, this week sees PIGOWEEN at The Red Pig which kicks off tomorrow with a very special Halloween themed quiz on all things ghostly, witchy, monstrous and, above all, custodial.

Ben x

07 December
The Wiki Man
Well, the cats out of the bag now, isn't it?

Thanks to bleedin' Wikileaks everyone now knows that there's an excellent free to enter pub quiz at the Red Pig, Keighley every Tuesday at 8:30pm Cheers Julian Assange (English translation: Julian The Monkey) Next you'll be telling them there's a gallon of beer for the winners!

At least I comfort myself with the fact that the President of Malta thinks Hilary Clinton is "a silly sausage". Truly, knowledge is power! But mindless trivia works just as well...

Make the quiz count tonight people!

Ben x

31 January
"Join And Nicely Educate The Inner Sanctum All Tired, Worn And Tattered"
Just a quick message to say that the free to enter Red Pig Quiz is back tomorrow at 9pm with a gallon of beer still up for grabs and all the usual brand of trivia, shouting and animal husbandry. And the best thing? I WILL NEVER STOP.

The Red Pig. Come for the jukebox, stay for the existential crisis.

Ben x

08 February
Quiz You Is Or Quiz You Aint My Baby?
Please come and do the Red Pig quiz tonight around 9pm. Its fun, free and a little bit different from all the other dreary trivia contests in Keighley. Whether thats a good thing, I'm not entirely sure but screw it - you can win a gallon of beer and its easily as lowest common denominator targetting as all the guff on Channel 4 tonight, such as "Pregnant Pre-Teen Gypsy Fishmongers", "Horses With ASBOs" and "Gok's Fiddle Factory".

So come out and support local business (and local idiocy). Although that horse one does sound pretty good...

Ben x

15 February
Best Adapted Use Of Swearing In A Local Quiz Night
Tonight it is the Brit Awards. This is presented by James Corden and will invariably be an awful waste of time, oxygen and skin.

For a much more entertaining alternate opportunity to be shouted at by a fat man whose best years are behind him, come and attend tonight's Red Pig free prize quiz which as ever has eight free drinks for the winner and starts about 9pm. Also the chances of hearing Justin Bieber are markedly reduced. Whatever that is.

Ben

22 March
This Week's Complaint Letter (With Apologies To Ed Gamble)
Dear Bacon Frazzles,

Hello and alright already as if you didnt know so shut up. Anyway, I have a complaint about your crisps which I recently had the displeasure of trying when taking part in the excellent Red Pig quiz in Keighley. Its free to take part, starts around 9:15pm and the winner gets a gallon of beer. Some quite good bits. I give it three stars.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I had a bag of your crisps and found a rat in em. Actually come to think of it, I think they were Quavers. And I was in The Vine.

Thanks anyway,

Mrs Fraser

PS Don't even get me started on my son...

29 March
Quiz? No.
A quick note to say that even though Ive never seen about 85% of you at the quiz ever, its not on this week due to illness. But all 100% of you should definitely come the week after where there'll be a MASSIVE ROLLOVER.

No extra prize or owt, just a MASSIVE ROLLOVER.

See you then,
Ben x

10 May
A: You Cant Dip An Elephant In Your Tea
- Knock knock
- Who's there?
- Come to the free Red Pig prize quiz tonight at 9pm and win a gallon of beer
- Come to the free Red Pig prize quiz tonight at 9pm and win a gallon of beer who?
- Um...I haven't thought this through.
- Oh

17 May
Take The Red Pill
My back hurts, I am on quite a lot of ibuprofen and I'm meeting a lot of new people I want to impress for the first time so I'll almost certainly be drinking. How could you resist the free prize quiz tonight?

The fun starts after 9pm. The funk starts whenever the tablets kick in.

The Red Pig Quiz. "Where people meet, make friends and then complain they had their answer sheet marked wrong until the quizmaster wants to throw himself off a roof"

Ben x

24 May
THE RED PIG QUIZ CELEBRATES BOBERT DYLANS
Bob Dylan is 70 today!

But the lazy get wont make it to the Red Pig quiz tonight so stuff him - and his lousy cue cards. But I love you of course, because you recognize a top value night out with a free quiz, the chance to win a gallon of ale, the usual hearty banter and threats of violence PLUS - FOR ONE WEEK ONLY - A round exclusively about badgers!

BADGERS!

So put down that steel guitar and big bag of drugs because tonight is quiz night! Starts after 9pm. Its what Bob Dylan would've wanted if he was here with us today. (He's in The Star)

Ben x

5th July
The Red Pig Quiz: Off The Record.
- "Hello this is Ben Baker, I'm not in at the moment so please leave a message...."

*BEEEP*
- "...Hello, Ben. Its Ben. Just leaving a message to remind you that its the free prize quiz at the Red Pig tonight from half 9 and the rounds are Cartrouble, Don't (Do) Lets Start, Back 2 Skool, Them F-in Movies!, The Numbers, Dead Happy, Food Glorious Etc and Fortunes of Family. I know you know all this already but I cant afford advertising and there's a likely chance someone somewhere is secretly taping this..."

- "No we're not"

- "Oh, ok then. Wait....what?"

*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

37 Fabulous Years Of The Red Pig Quiz (Part One)

2011-07-02T11:25:00.017+01:00

Hello you! Some of you may know that I have been running a quiz night for the past two years. Well, most weeks I send out a supposedly comical and often topical reminder message that people should come along. With the stupid new Facebook "collapse every message into one thread" service, they are all easily copy and pasted and thus I thought I'd share a few of my favourites for you not in the group.

08 February 2010
Quiz WLTM Likeminded Idiots
Me: quizmaster, 29, single. WLTM a crowd of interesting quiz fans for fun, friendship and forty questions on a variety of fantastic subjects.

You: able, willing and excited at the smallest thing.

Meet at my place (Red Pig, Church Green, Keighley) about half 9?

I'll be the one at the bar crying into a child's shoe but you should probably just ignore that. So, hows about it pet?

16 March 2010
SAVE THE WHALES. OR A RADIO STATION. OR QUIZ. ONE OF THOSE ANYWAY.
Hello. This is an urgent plea on behalf of Ben Understands Minor Situations (or BUMS for short). The government are thinking of scrapping BBC Red Pig Quiz (Tuesdays, 9pm) for not being commercially viable enough in these modern times. Also: there was that incident with the ostrich but THIS MUST NOT STAND.

SHOW THOSE FAT CATS IN CHARGE THAT THEY CANT BOSS US AROUND ANY FURTHER. COME TO TONIGHT'S FREE PRIZE QUIZ AT THE RED PIG AND TRY TO WIN THE PEOPLE'S GALLON OF BEER. FOR THE PEOPLE!

Your comrade in hard times,
Ben Baker (head of B.U.M.S and our sister organisation Citizens Under Nude Threat)

13 April 2010
Do Re Me...
I believe it was Voltaire who said that Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine got to No. 40 on 16th October 1993 with "Lenny And Terence", dropped to 71 the following week before disappearing from the charts altogether.

I joke of course, he was always more of a Slowdive kind of guy. That said, come to free Red Pig Quiz, Tuesdays at 9pm. B x

26 April 2010
The Red Pig Quiz Is In Control
In 1986, Janet Jackson asked the question "What have you done for me lately?"

In 2010, I answer that question. The answer is as follows:

"I done a quiz. You can win a gallon of beer at it and its free to take part. I mean its not wholly for you or owt but you can take part if you like. Leave your knockers in, mind. You'll give Dave Bingley a funny turn..."

The Red Pig Prize Quiz - Tuesdays 9pm

"...now 46% less on fire!"

18 May 2010
Exciting Ghostbusters News Inside!
Fans of hit new film Ghostbusters (in cinemas 7th December 1984) are in for a Ghostbusting treat at the free to enter prize Red Pig Quiz tonight from 9pm as one of the questions is all about Ghostbusters!

(The answer is "Ghostbusters")

So come to the Ghostbusters (one question only) quiz tonight! But don't bring any ghosts!!!!!!! WHOOOO AHAHAHAHAH No seriously, dont.

15 June 2010
In Which Our Hero Fails To Make An Obvious Pun Concerning The Word "Balls"
I believe in with Baddiel and Skinner who once sang...

"Free quiz at the Pig
Eight pints for the winner
60 minutes of dirt
Come out after dinner"

...and how right they were for it is indeed Tuesday night quiz fun at the Red Pig. It starts at 9:30pm and is guaranteed a FOOTBALL FREE ZONE!!!!!!! ....unless there's some questions about football in there that I've forgotten about because I wrote the quiz three weeks ago. Probably not though. I prefer French kissing and the Muppets. Christ, its no wonder no-one comes to the quiz anymore.

FREE KICK!

13 July 2010
Lets Go Back To Work (Quiz)
As we all know by now the Red Pig's resident quiz-master Ben Baker went on a crazed violent gun rampage this weekend before eventually shooting himself in the face sometime around 2am on Friday night. Luckily before he went, he left the following note of which it was his dying wish I should pass on to you now:

"Hi pals! Ben here. Don't forget to come to the Red Pig quiz this Tuesday at 9pm where you can win a gallon of beer and have a lot of fun with like minded idiots. And the best part is - its free! Oh and I'll be back to life. Or a ghost...or something. To be honest, I haven't thought this through."

The Red Pig Quiz. Tuesdays at 9pm. Better than a crazed violent gun rampage. Just.

03 August 2010
Meet The (Incredibly) Feebles
You know, I've been sending these emails about the free quiz at The Red Pig, Keighley (every Tuesday at 9pm) out every week for eight months now and yet we've never really talked.

So...how are you...? Everything okay...? Still seeing your mam...? Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Was it sudden...? Ghosts you say...? Well you dont normally get that in Saltaire...anyway, I've got to go...I...yeah...I...okay well...um...yes...I DID NOT LEAD HER ON...yeah yeah so...look, I really have to go now...no, I...yep...oh well...oh is that the phone - ring ring ring ring - yep, definitely the phone...I'll text you...ok...byebye...byebye...

Phew. I thought she'd never leave.

The Red Pig free prize quiz. Tuesdays after 9pm. Come.

31 August 2010
!FREE! CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST SCREENING AT KEIGHLEY SHARED PARISH TONIGHT - INCLUDES BISCUIT.
Hi gang! Lets pretend it wasn't bank holiday just then and that now comes the downward tilt into back to school then Halloween, bonfire night, Halloween 2, Alan's birthday, Christmas, Late Christmas, Michael Fenton Stevens Day and of course, the New Year.

"But how?", you ask! Well I was thinking you all come round to mine, open a bottle of wine and then just sit in front of the fire looking into each other's eyes for a while. And then, who knows....?

Alternately: there's a quiz on at the Red Pig after 9pm tonight where you can win a gallon of beer and its free to enter.

Either way, bring a towel.

Ben x

06 September 2010
Red Pigrim Vs The Wold
It occurred to me last night as I was re-arranging my Defenders Of The Earth sticker books into alphabetical order that it would make more sense to email people about the FABULOUS Red Pig Quiz starting at 9:30pm EVERY TUESDAY and its FREE TO ENTER big PRIZE of a GALLON OF BEER the night before the quiz to give you all time to prepare, both mentally and erotically. Except that last part.

So come to the quiz tomorrow and have a great night, drink some beer, support a fabulous local pub and also help us say goodbye to our beloved barmaid Kate who serves her last Tuesday behind the bar before she flies off to Heaven with Baby Jesus and the orphans. Also known as Leeds Art College.

Quiz. 9pm. Beer. Win. Cheer. Yes. Come?

Ben x

13 September 2010
The Pope Visits The Red Pig Tuesday At 9pm*
How do! Pope Benedict 'ere and I DONT KNOW NUFFIN SO DONT EVEN ASK ALRIGHT?!? But if I did know stuff, I'd definitely attend my good pal Ben Baker's reet gradely quiz at The Red Pig, Keighley, Tuesdays after 9pm which is free to enter with a gallon of beer for the winners.

Come and have a good laugh with like minded adults. Definitely no kids. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIDS ARE. STOP HOUNDING ME. I GOT SO STARTLED THEN I NEARLY TRIPPED OVER ME BAGS OF NAZI GOLD! I MEAN...OH BUM...LEG IT....

Your pal,
Them Pope (Only all in German, obviously)

*NB Actual Pope content might vary

20 September 2010
The Revolution Will Probably Be Televised Whilst You're Out. So Come Get Drunk...
9.0 Colour
NEW SERIES
The Red Pig Quiz

Yes its back! Keighley's most loveable gang of idiots return for another night of thrills, spills, fun, mindless trivia and a gallon of beer for the winners of this free to enter quiz. The proceedings are as ever orchestrated by that man of a thousand faces (so why does he choose to stick with that one?) Ben Baker. Who knows, the star of the show could be you! Probably not though. Soz.

Quizmaster................BEN BAKER
Bob the Bar...............ROBERT BROWN
Surly Barmaid............TAKE YOUR BLEEDIN' PICK
Wee Jimmy Krankie......LITTLE ROSIE

And introducing WIGGERS as himself.

11.0 Closedown

More tomorrow!

Please Wait. Rebooting.

2011-07-01T11:21:00.001+01:00

Big Bugger And The Holding Page Company

2011-06-05T09:45:00.000+01:00

Sorry, I'm still trying to sort things elsewhere and the motivation to updates this barely month old blog has already waned. Brave heart and all that.

Take me home, sad onion...

M-advertising Break

2011-06-02T09:45:00.000+01:00

Now if the 90s had offered Lard as an answering service, I'd have paid up in a heartbeat. "COD FISH BATTERED CALLS" anybody? "GET TO PHONE!"

Coming Attractions

2011-05-26T17:18:00.000+01:00

"Bruised by his experiences in the industry, it was around this time he got into politics via the aforementioned bun confusion. And as such on the 20th May 1951, Sir Lucian Potato became the honourable member for Taffin Up The Cramsis although to this day he isn’t entirely sure where that is. When asked on one edition of Question Time, his eventual response - “Somewhere near Spain?” - was poorly received by the audience. Still he did have such lovely hair...."

Stepping Out

2011-05-24T17:05:00.019+01:00

Apologies for my tardiness here with postings but I'm presently working on relaunching another site and a few written projects, one of which will go out exclusively to people who donate to a special charity walk my mum is doing for a local cancer hospice.If you would like to be one of those special people who get a copy, simply do a click anywhere on this line here.

Its a fantastic cause and helping the hospice where both my grandfathers spent some time before succumbing to their illnesses. It made their last days comfortable and as pleasant as such a thing can be. Please do consider contributing though. Doesn't have to be a lot - a pound would be incredibly appreciated. Anything over an utter bonus. And you'll get an exclusive podcast of some description as a thank you. Cant say fairer than that, can I? Except just then, when I did.

That link again: http://fundraising.suerydercare.org/BEVBAKER

Thank you.

The Prayer Of The Smackboys

2011-05-15T22:57:00.000+01:00

The other day, myself and my friend Tim (of the terrific Here Is A Box parish) were inspired to try and come up with an alternative to those rather obvious "How many have you seen out of all these here fillums what have been on at pictures and that?" tick list things that go round a lot these days on The Facebook. Our idea was to create one with a hundred entirely spurious fictional movies.

Then we got distracted by a squirrel. But here's some of the ones we came up with before that (full points for understanding more than five reference points):

*That Darned Hirons!
*The Beast In Heat 3: Beast In The City
*Alan Goes To Dixons
*Grimleys Galore!
*The Wiggers Confundrium
*Slaves Of Balefu
*Alan Of La Mancha
*Glam Goose In Flame
*The Million Pound BBC Monies Note
*Kramer Vs. Ian
*Yorkshire Chevron: The Movie
*In Search Of Gulliver
*When Souteys Attack
*Straw Dogs But With More Rape In It
*Tony Hancock's The Miserable Old Bastard
*koyaanisqatTAUB
*A Star Is Bin - The Richard Herring Story
*Barrowmania
*Edit News Goes To Summer Camp
*3D House Of Taub
*Spiderman Vs Herring
*The House That Dripped Alans
*Les Aventures Beaucoups Comique du That Bloke Out Of Octopus

Even For Monkey Island Shaggers

2011-05-14T21:36:00.052+01:00

I did a review of sorts for the last Doctor Who episode (thats last week's not the terrific Gaiman piece "The Doctor's Wife" just aired) for my friend John over at This Way Up. You can read it here if you fancy. Although there were a few edits and stuff (as is his prerogative), so the full thing is below the jump:

“I’m Selling These Fine Tweed Jackets…” - Yo Ho Who And A Bottle Of Glum
by Ben Baker

Is it just me that finds it increasingly hard to get excited about Doctor Who?

It can’t be my age. Ian Levine is 175 and still getting sweaty with anticipation every Saturday night, but as Steven Moffat enters his second term as headmaster at St Borusa’s Comprehensive there’s just an overall lack of drive to be sat in front of the television at 6pm (O.N.O.) on a Saturday night. And I don’t just mean because of that bloody 4ft animatronic rabbit that’s on before it.

“Doctor Who and The Pirates From Mars: The Sands Of Time: The Curse Of The Black Pearl: LeChuck’s Revenge” falls into the now traditional ‘third episode = light-hearted nonsense’ model set by “Victory Of The Daleks”, “School Reunion” and “Terror Of The Vervoids” [are you sure about this one? – ED]. Indeed I joked to my girlfriend when I realised that I’d miss the start of this episode that I could probably do a fair guess at the contents. She said “go on then”. So I said “fine”.

And here it is.

Ok, so it’s about pirates, right? But presumably they can’t just be normal pirates therefore they must be…pirates…in…SPACE! Yes, that’s it. Although this is Doctor Who in 2011 which means there is surely some sort of monster involved. Ooh, they’ve all got black spots of death on their hand, right? Which presumably means yet another “OH NOES! HE A DED! NOT REALLY JK” plot thread for NuAdric, Rory (played to the best of his ability by Arthur Askey).

Anyone else?

Ah yes, the captain. He’s played by Hugh Bournville off of the chocolate fame (and definitely nothing about the blocking of newspaper allegations about his paying £195 to a ########### for ########## whilst using a ######### on her ##########) Presumably the cap’n is a rough tough sort - but with a hidden secret. I bet he doesn’t take to the Doctor taking over the show either! With “results”! (Actual amusement levels to be determined) But I’m sure they’ll work together when enough of the crew are eaten by monsters or that big pan faced girl I saw in the trailer (Lily Something).

What to go with then – rift in time or alien abduction? This bit I’m actually interested to find out. But don’t worry chaps, I haven’t forgotten about the obligatory wank fantasy moment where Amy no doubt gets to dress up like Elaine Marley’s tearaway stepchild with leather skirt three coughs from tuft base. She should be careful being pregnant…or is she? Literally no-one cares, Steven. Sorry.

The whole thing will be gorgeous looking with a brilliant cast and selected great moments that will look fantastic in a clip package or backed by some pounding guitar from The XX on “Confidential” later. Maybe the scriptwriter Stephen Thompson will progress into the next great Who author and this tale could rocket into my top ten personal favourites. (I do like “Vengeance On Varos” after all.)

So, how did I do? Well, who cares? Because regardless of what I think, I know that it will have ultimately entertained its target family audience and the fact it’s reaching new younger viewers each year is the exciting thing I’ve been opining the lack of in my introduction. Indeed, the idea of fifty more potential years of Who is a wonderful thing but there’s definitely traces of a mid-life crisis right now. The buzz of “regular” folks talking about the show has faded and occasionally it feels like the only concessions to a post-teen audience is stunt casting (or – as next week will bear out – stunt Gaimans.)

Still, at least River Song wasn’t in it, which for Doctor Who in 2011 is akin to finding a day of the week without a ‘y’ in it. Now onward me hearties – to the HMS BBC Three to steal the golden secrets of how they make Lily Cole’s face look like that. Say goodnight Hugh.

“###############”

Oh, Hugh.

==========================================================
Ben Baker was stuck at the bit with the waterfall but then remembered you have to use the monkey as a spanner and its fine now. Thanks.

101 Most Available Hits

2011-05-12T21:57:00.004+01:00

I'll die then. Thanks.

Dear John...

2011-05-10T01:38:00.003+01:00

Before you read any of this nonsense, click the following link - This Way Up - John Sullivan by Dave Rolinson - and read this fantastic overview of the late John Sullivan and some of his best known work, such as Only Fools And Horses (1981-2003), Citizen Smith (1977-80) and many more.

John Sullivan was a legend. Just a quick glance at his IMDB page highlights a giant range of work that only begins to help appreciate the legacy (frog's or otherwise) left behind by him. For example, has any writer ever had two big specials on Christmas Day? Sullivan did - in 1986 with the final episode of the often mis-remembered Just Good Friends (1983-86) and the 75 minute Only Fools episode "A Royal Flush".

The latter, in which Rodney becomes keen on a moneyed distant royal, is probably the least seen OFAH episode and indeed now is cut heavily on DVD. This is in no small part due to the fact Del is an utter cunt throughout the entire thing acting out of character, stitching his brother up and then selling him down the river for a grand.

But the fact remains that nearly two hours of a good proportion (just under 19 million for the Trotters) of the British public's viewing that night was provided by one man. Not one man and eight "programme associates" (I see you Mack and Hart...) but Sullivan alone. My brain melts even more when considering he was also no doubt preparing the second and final series of "Dear John" (1986-87) after the first had aired from February that year and would soon head to NBC for a reasonably successful US adaptation beginning in January 1988. It adds another level of lobe-meltery when you learn that the earliest episodes of the American version were incredibly close (or as comedy guide guru Mark Lewisohn puts it "word for word remakes") to its British counterpart, thanks to a writers dispute.

More Only Fools And Horses followed with two series, now extended to 50 minutes, and eight specials - all but one of the latter (the first part of the admittedly shite "Miami Twice") slap bang in the heart of BBC1's Christmas Day schedule between 1987 and 1993. Thats over *1100* minutes of telly including such gems as "Stage Fright", "Danger UXD", "The Jolly Boys' Outing", "Dates" and, short of the VT engineer having a breakdown and sticking on a last minute replacement of "Budd Dwyer's Late Late Breakfast Show", easily the most depressing thing to ever appear on Jesus' birthday, "Rodney Come Home".

Sullivan's next sitcom would be the almost comically forgotten Sitting Pretty (1992-93) which nonetheless managed two series out of an incredibly thin "rich folks returned to their roots" premise (not especially dissimilar from another BBC sitcom of the time "Get Back") seemingly written to prove he could tackle female lead roles. More followed including the sleight but very watchable Roger Roger (1996-2003), the depressingly poor Heartburn Hotel (1998-2000) and jumping ship to ITV for the Dickens-tinkering Micawber (2001-02).

None of these especially stuck in the Nation's collective cortexes but by that point, John Sullivan could have pulled his pants down, shit all over the rug then punched the Queen in the kisser and we'd all still adore him for coming up with Wolfie Smith, Vince Pinner, John Lacey and of course, everyone's favourite Peckham residents - ~~Knock Knock~~ the Trotter family - indeed a whole world of memorable and strong supporting characters that will be remembered for decades to come.

Thats the power great writers have. Rest in peace, John.

Guess The Screengrab - Number One

2011-05-09T01:57:00.002+01:00

Here's a screenshot of something I took some time ago because it especially tickled me. There is literally no prizes - and some washing to do - for the first person to guess the source of this televisual puzzler...

Children Of A Lesser Pod

2011-05-08T01:44:00.006+01:00

The other day I decided to have a go at writing a short comedy podcast just to see if I could do something topical at short notice. This became "That Ben Baker" - a 7 minute monologue of sorts about the recent death of Bin Laden plus other bits in the news. As I was writing it, the MLK quote feature was going round various blogs and statuses - which made it even funnier when it turned out to be bogus. Anyway, you can hear the mp3 of the show here and the script follows after the jump. I'd be really interested in your feedback so be as brutal as you need be.

Okay, maybe not that brutal. Sniff.

‎"I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." ~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

Well that’s easy for you to say Marty but you haven’t seen “You’ve Been Framed”. All them fat women and babies falling on their back arses – man, I’d be hard pressed not to wish that on someone. Hohohoho…I like the bit where they fall over best.

Hello, I’m Ben Baker and welcome to the first edition of “That Ben Baker”, a new podcast in which I’ll be doing light hearted comedy knockabout fun about anything I’m finding funny at the time really. And by the time of the next episode I’ll almost certainly have got entirely bored with that and spend the length of that show telling you how you’ve such terrible sell-outs for liking it now.

But before then we’ve got to get through episode 1 which is something I’ve been putting off for a while. I’ve done podcasts before and I enjoy them but always get bored or distracted somewhere in the…ooh a squirrel…sorry, where was I? Oh yes, podcasting. Well, with every man and his dad making podcasts these days, I’ve held back until I felt up to trying some audio comedy out again. And this last week with a few things like the Royal Wedding and Easter taking place, I thought it might be a nice soft week to gently ease myself back into the realm of vaguely topical comedy programming…

….and then the most wanted man in the world was shot dead by American forces. Now if this was a US podcast, I suspect I’d be covering things slightly more like this:

FX: GT Static

MUSIC: Sweet Home Alabama or the like

ANNOUNCER
Yessiree, it’s time for everyone’s favourite morning show here on WXJBZFP-Ampersand-G, “The American And Pal Show”.

AMERICAN
Well guys, we finally done it. We finally brought sweet freedom to the world. Whaddya think of that Mr Farts?

FX: Farts

PAL
Hee hee. Yes indeed. And what do you think of the fact we rid the world of international terrorism, Senor Juan Dirty-Immigrant?

FX: Ai! Ai! Ai! / Farts

AMERICAN
God I love me some freedom. And don’t forget that the first fifty people to text in the word FREEDOM will get five hundred packets of “Freedom Grits” from Don’s Grit Hut And Presbyterian Dance Studio. We’ll teach those ignorant filthy ragheads what tolerance really means…

FX: GT Static

BEN
Whereas as a Brit, I can’t help but think it’s all just a little bit sad. Not just because of the worrying effect it’s going to have on our relationship with Pakistan but also the whole fact that shooting Bin Laden was pretty much the easiest way out for him. No suffering, no trial, no jail time, not even a lovely old grainy filmed bit of hanging for us all to pass around on YouTube.

Actually the worst thing about all that business with Saddam being hung is that it happened on my bloody birthday. What a marvellous present that was. But of course that’s not to say that all Americans are hollering for blood and breakages, indeed its fairly easy for time to muffle how genuinely shocking the events of September 11th 2011 were. Unless you’re watching Fox News obviously, in which case you tend to get a pop up reminder every ten minutes. THIS JUST IN – WAR DEAD.

Although from a British perspective, perhaps the saddest thing is all the AV protestors and propagators were probably sat at home thinking “Right, we’ll get Easter and the royal wedding out of the way and then people will start listening to what we have to say…” At least Henry Cooper got a few hours in the headlines before his sad death was usurped by all this. Although interestingly before his death, Bin Laden did leave one final recorded message to be played…

AUDIO: “Winston Churchill…” clip

Depressingly with Cooper gone, that leaves the only person left on that list alive Margaret Thatcher. Couldn’t someone get together and have her killed? Maybe some armed people…a big group of them….working secretly…with government provided weapons. They’d need some sort of leader though. Maybe a feller with a big beard. Hey, I might go give them a call…see you next time…taxi!

FX: record jumping, stylus scrapes

‎"Hello, I’m Martin Luther King Jr. I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Unless it is Thatcher, in which case fuck that old bitch. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I will not buy this record, it is scratched. I didnt say any of this y'know. Some dude just made it all up on the internet. No seriously. Go google it. Only love can break your heart. Peace out."

Book Bang-A-Bang

2011-05-01T13:59:00.005+01:00

Lulu's great isnt it? Especially the one she does when she sings "Shout".... HAHAAHAHA - like the musical singer Lulu, do you see!?! SHUT UP. I don't mean that at all, as well you'd know if you went through my bedside drawers, which are presently home to two books self-published via the print service of the same name. I've published several magazines using it (for more info on that, click here) and even though its based predominantly in America thus making shipping expensive, it really is a terrific service for what it does.

I encourage many people I meet to try and write - even if its just rubbish one liners on beermats - but self-publishing has long seemed to be the province of dull beardy men (hi!) in thick glasses and even thicker jumpers sharing multiple volumes of their personal beer brewing notes or 3000 page spats over ridiculously convoluted mathematical theories only visible to the human eye through a prism, a sponge and a rusty spanner. But sites like Lulu are helping shift that balance.

Granted there's some right old fucking tut available - "How to Care For Your Milk Carton Surrogate Baby", "Pomegranate Molestation For Beginners" and "Ben Baker's Now Here's A Funny Thing - 500 Humourous Quotes The Famous Say When They Want You To Get Out Of Their Garden" but there's also some great stuff. Here's two books that very much require your attention... (right click on the titles and open the links in a new tab to be taken to the Lulu page)

The Garbage Pod

Its hard to be a Red Dwarf fan in 2011. Partly because its been off TV for so long (special? what special?) that its become consigned to past programming, partly because it meant so much to so many at undoubtedly the geekiest and most socially awkward times in their lives and of course, partly because the last few runs were just fucking awful. So, why recommend an entire book about the damn series? Because we're not alone in thinking about any of this...

Indeed, fansite Ganymede and Titan has been running through almost entirely new Dwarf-free times which has provided both the distance and the opportunity to revisit the episodes with enthusiasm, as well as looking at what made the things that worked great, and those that didn't, shockingly weak. There's a pleasing lack of slavish dribbling over the show but its the enthusiasm for the positives that actually won me over in the end. Granted it gets a bit sixth form prose and needlessly sweary in places but its done charmingly enough and is easily preferable to them using "smeg" every five seconds instead.

Its a breezy and easy read that not only is for a great cause (any profits go towards Amnesty International) but will also have you scurrying back to the adventures of Lister, Rimmer, Barrington and Carpool for another fix of what made it such an enjoyable watch in those first six series.

At Least Its Free

It'll be no surprised to many of the eight of you reading this blog that Tim Worthington is one of my closest friends and a fairly frequent collaborator but that really couldn't be further from the reason for recommending this terrific book which I was lucky enough to get a sneak peek at through its long gestation. I'm not sure I can put it better than the review I left on Lulu's own site..

"The thing that attracted me to Tim's work was his enthusiasm and desire to learn more about certain TV shows, films, bands and other elements of entertainment ephemera - all starting in an era pre-Wiki and easily YouTubed video footage. This book does its best to preserve the feeling of that wobbly movie you once saw at your cousin's 15 years ago but could never remember the title of, the band you bought the only single by and assumed no-one else had ever heard of and that exciting promise that somebody might know somebody who might have once seen some production slides from part three of The Macra Terror.

If you're fascinated by pop culture and dream in monochrome, this book is undoubtedly for you...."

So, there you go. Two reads that will certainly not make you want to "Shout". LIKE A LULU SINGER. DO YOU SEE? AHAAHAHAAHA OH GOD MY HEAD IS MAKING A FUNNY TICKING SOUND...

Royal Honey

2011-04-29T14:04:00.011+01:00

The best bit of any Royal occasion is the celeb spotting...

Your Avada Kedavra For Ten

2011-04-25T00:21:00.001+01:00

After a fantastic weekend having a few of my very best friends up to visit matched with some gorgeous weather, delicious food, unfortunate John Sullivan puns ("Dead John" was particularly poor) and incredibly tedious Doctor-related science-fience programming, its back to the usual here at the Superhouse which for Monday night invariably means getting round to actually writing the quiz I'll be reading out tomorrow at my favourite local pub.

I've been doing the honours there for about 18 months now, after a decade or so of merely attending it when it was done by another top pal David. It took him about that long to get fed up with it but I think I was pretty much in the same place around a month in. Thats not to say I always hate proceedings - when it goes right, its a glorious evening of nonsense and some big laughs, both from me and the customers. It also lets me play up that whole OTT show-off part of my personality which is great when i'm 'up' but being a manic depressive sometimes means I sometimes feel like I'm being glared at by the equivalent of dampened hungry pumas.

This past few weeks I've had a strong university student crowd in, which is nice as I don't live in a uni town so only get the pleasure when its the holidays - and it is a genuine pleasure, even if its only in making knowing references to popular TV comedy programmes of the day and openly mocking their stupid young faces. Stupid young idiots.

One team of younger girls in particular last week begged me to specially do an all Harry Potter themed quiz - the prospect of which made me instead welcome a heated spoon behind the eyeball. Its not that I dont like the books - they're perfectly fine teen fare that passed a few hours and entertained me plenty - as have the spin-off films and recent LEGO video game. Thats not being sneery about it - I'm glad they exist. I just dont want to write 40 bastard questions about it.

Besides which, how do I ever tackle the subject? My girlfriend is fairly Potter-obsessed so I read out a bunch of trivia questions I found online - all of which she found ridiculously easy, but of which a novice to the books would've had absolutely no chance with. Do YOU know who had a rabbit called Binky? Or what kind of Dragon Norbert is? And indeed for that matter,"which Educational Decree makes Umbridge Headmistress of Hogwarts"? Me neither and I've read all the friggers. (But if knowing concerns you: Lavender Brown, Norwegian Ridgeback and 23 apparently...)

One idea was to do loosely themed stuff like "famous Harrys", "famous Potters" and um..."something about wands". But to be honest, as much as I welcome people returning to do my quizzes, I would presently sooner rather put paprika-peppered sociopath scorpions up my bum. So it goes on the list along with soaps and sporting trivia of things that can "Frankly Get Fucked". Who could possibly resist such a fantastic quiz night? Well, if you find yourself in the Keighley region on a Tuesday night, come hunt me out.

I'll be the one covered in warm spoons and pissed off scorpions. Expelliarseholes!

Great Comic Panels Of Our Time: Number 1 - Sid The Sexist

2011-04-23T00:23:00.000+01:00

Perfect. [From Viz #46, February / March 1991]

Journey's End

2011-04-20T12:47:00.001+01:00

Its a sad thing when someone special from your childhood dies - so its even sadder when that person also features heavily in your second childhood (you know, the one stretching from 25 until..well, forever really the way I'm going). Thus it was doubly heartbreaking to learn of the death of Elizabeth Sladen yesterday, especially with the news seemingly coming completely from nowhere.

Whilst starting out a tad wobbly with some cloying relationships and quickly-jettisoned characters, "The Sarah Jane Adventures" has been a fine anthology for various types of science fiction, fantasy and comic stories and hit the ground running way more successfully than the grimly and uniformly "adult" Torchwood, which managed the impossible in making Eve Myles' tits boring.

Whilst never really getting into Who properly until the last decade, I quickly fell in love with everything about the series old and new. But one thing I noticed in particular is how - as good as Piper, Tate, Agyeman et al have been - the longer runs and slower pace means the companions are explored in more detail or at th very least get some good woofers in during the rare moments P'Twee is busy buffing his silverware or Baker the First is downing a few pale ales.

Whilst its disrespectful to those who came before to suggest weakness as standard, there was something just uniquely MODERN and stroppy about Sarah Jane. Yes, she followed the Doctor into some fucking ridiculous places (Sontarians, Daleks and Cybermen in a row!) but as a template for all companions to follow, particularly in the modern era - boisterous, inquisitive and not afraid to talk back. Sarah Jane Smith was made so utterly real - and thats all down to the measured, thoughtful portrayal of Lis Sladen.

No-one deserved another crack of the whip as much as her (even if her Who comeback episode "School Reunion" was a load of old bollocks) and it makes my heart swell to see so many take the new shows to heart. Indeed, "The Sarah Jane Adventures" was far and away the most popular CBBC programme produced in decades - over a million - which in the multi-channel, child-unfriendly modern tableau of the tellybox, is practically Morecambe and Wise in '73.

But most importantly, she was instrumental in creating a world of magic and unlimited possibilities which will feed children's minds for decades and galaxies to come, regardless of what age they are.

Rest in Peace, Lis. The world is a far less exciting place without you...

Rambling Rambling Ho!

2011-04-16T14:26:00.002+01:00

"I used to feel acute frustration / because I couldn't join in with Text The Nation..."

And thus it was I managed to bewilder my girlfriend this morning by joining in with gusto to one of the now beloved jingles that Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish play throughout their terrific 6Music programme. Indeed, Saturday mornings have been a much bleaker place without Adam and Joe's brand of nonsense and licence free GarageBand loops - not least of all because I found their replacements woefully poor. I know there's a lot of Rich "Richard" "Rich" Herring fans among my pals and I understand this with a level of pity, disgust and extreme punchpunchkicking (a combination of the two acts done simultaneously, invariably to the tune of "Monkey" hummed repeatedly in my head.)

But whether Herring and Chin-pal had been funny or not, no one can replace A&J who despite a couple of bumps along the way have been in my heart before I even knew their names with the videos on Takeover TV, the sort of show that would not be more out of place on the Channel 4 of today next to Stand up For The Week and Alan Alanson's Thursday Saturday Munch Kitchen Middle Class Yum Yum Foodliker. But for a few years in the mid 90s, C4 got into the whole public access trend pioneered by BBC2's terrific Video Diaries to provide a weekly digest of oddball submissions from around the country.

The best by far were the wobbly puppet movie reconstructions of classic films such as Apollo 13 and an odd frowning bloke with a beanie hat calling himself Louise, most famously singing an angry diatribe aimed at the creators of Star Trek : The Next Generation for cancelling his favourite show...all whilst dressed as Worf...oh hell just watch it....

When Buxton took over hosting duties for series 2, I was completely sold on the nonsense and thus was thrilled when the first series of The Adam And Joe Show was scheduled at half past your bedtime just before Christmas 1996. More followed as did a sizable cult of dedicated fans although wobbly scheduling and a complete breakdown over format change after the third series (has anyone here actually seen that unbroadcast pilot?) with the fourth - and probably best - series going out on E4 before anyone was really watching it then post 11pm on Wednesday nights (!) on Channel 4 itself, who'd clearly lost all interest in the duo.

A shuffle over to the BBC (via a long running but now almost entirely forgotten stint at XFM on Saturday afternoons) for various projects brought little mainstream results - starting with the weird "classic clips" bit they always have at the end of Comic Relief thats meant to start at 1am but usually kicks off post 3am and then the terrific magazine show "Adam and Joe Go Tokyo" for the shiny new BBC Three. Before anyone watched that channel either...

But that didn't stop me loving them and their increasingly erratic appearances (Click here for one of the strangest) which saw them eventually washed up on the shores of 6Music to cover the Breakfast Show for a few weeks before getting the Saturday morning slot they're adored for to this very day. In fact I'd got as far as saying they're more popular now than they were in their late 90s telly peak where a year between six week runs couldn't quite sustain the cult they've got now.

With both reaching their forties and Joe's much anticipated debut film "Attack The Block" coming out soon, I do wonder what the future for the partnership might be but I reckon Drs Buckles and Cornballs will be talking guff somewhere well into their eighties on 6Music Classic Gold +12 or the like. And the world will be a much better place for it. But of course, you knew all that already, didn't you?

Now please rise for our national colours...

The 12 Greatest Madonna Records Of All Time

2011-04-15T14:46:00.001+01:00

Hi. There seems to be some confusion as to what the greatest 12 Madonna records of all time are. It is these:

1. "Dear Jessie"
2. "Like a Prayer"
3. "Into the Groove"
4. "What It Feels Like for a Girl"
5. "Get Together"
6. "Borderline"
7. "Beautiful Stranger"
8. "Open Your Heart"
9. "Lucky Star"
10. "Hollywood"
11. "Sorry"
12. "Human Nature"

Hope this helped.

Ben x

Songs I Happen To Be Really Really Liking At The Moment (And Maybe You Will Too): No.1 - The Goldberg Sisters - "Shush"

2011-04-14T22:29:00.000+01:00

If you're like me then WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? *coughs* You may also be a regular listener to the terrific new Mark Radcliffe and Stuart Maconie radio programme on the ever reliable (unless Lauren's on) 6Music every weekday between 1pm and 4pm.

I've long been a fan of the pair but rarely remembered to listen to their evening show on Radio 2 thanks to a mixture of idiocy and dozing off every time a long woolly folk track came on. So this new slot is manna from heaven for the stay at home writing depressive type and I've been introduced to all sorts of tracks new and old with a particularly enjoyable session / interview with Adam Goldberg occurring on this Monday gone.

For those who may have clicked the above video already and muttered through the admittedly annoying first minute before it starts proper may recognize this Goldberg chap as Eddie, the weird flatmate Chandler got in Friends when Joey moved out back in the early, funny days. (If only they'd repeat it so people could check...) He's also been in stuff as varied as Saving Private Ryan, My Name Is Earl and the Flaming Lips' long-in-the-making opus "Christmas On Mars".

Indeed, Steven Drozd from that band has collaborated with Goldberg several times although is seemingly absent from this new self-titled album which today's choice cut "Shush" is taken from. Its a weird mix of Belle and Sebastian style cute pop and odd rock workouts with nothing quite as good as this single but certainly worth an ear if you can find it on your Spottlfies and the like. Merry Shushmas!

How I Paid For A Bob Hope Book Using Cash

2011-04-14T21:52:00.000+01:00

I cant decide at the moment if I'm suffering from extreme manic depression or whether the weather is just clearly out to fuck with me. (A perfect blog opener, I'm sure you'll agree - and on day two as well. Boy we're going to be in for some laughs.) As it is, everything seems to have some weird grey film over it at the moment - and I dont mean a Charlie Champlin movie!!!! (See? Told you.)

Thankfully I have a ludicrously understanding girlfriend who gets that sometimes I can be a miserable bastard even when I don't necessarily think I am being one. This is called BEING A BLOODY MAN. Or a paranoid manic depressive pain in the arse. I'm not entirely sure. Indeed, at this early stage in blogging again, I'm not even sure I want to go into the whole depression area that much. It might get some stuff off my chest but wouldn't be interesting for you necessarily and quite frankly, I've read some fucking rotten websites on the subject.

So I probably will stray away from my darker thoughts in favour of dog whimsy and corrupt jpgs of erotic ghosts...that is unless someone offers me a load of cash and awards to talk about my pain and sadness being more painful and sad than yours in which case I will have been molested by so many grandpas you wouldn't believe.

That said, if you do pop along here one day and I'm crying into my style-sheet about my more miserable moments, feel free to cyber pat me on the back, offer me a cyber Werther's Original and tell me to get a cyber grip on my cyber self right bloody cyber quickly.

Roll the grey film...

A Short Shelf Life

2011-04-13T16:38:00.000+01:00

For those so interested, the image I'm presently using as my background picture on this here blog (in early April 2011 anyway) is a hastily snapped shot of my fireplace shelf which seems to be a monument to lack of maturity that still courses through these thirty year old bones. By my age, my parents had already had their first (and luckily only) child and I was about to reach my eighth birthday. So who's the loser now, eh? Oh...um, wait.

Anyway, here's a slightly wider version of the shot in question in which you should be able to spot the following: a Strong Bad beer coaster, a keyring kite, several signed photographs of CBBC puppets, many film tickets including one to a recent talk by Terry Gilliam in Bradford last month, a Madness USB stick, some 3D glasses (used once), lots of ten pence coins, a badge made by my friend Dave of Henry Winkler ("Heyyy! I Are a Fonz!"), An Insult a Day calendar, some signed Achewood artwork, Ricky Tomlinson clutching some cheap prawns, a cheap Rubik's cube, Roger Mellie doll, programme for a Count Arthur Strong tour, various Frank Sidebottom paraphernalia, the bottom of a big framed collage of gig tickets and of course, my gorgeous outline.

And thats me. Fun or mostly backward? You decide.

Actually, on second thoughts, don't...

We Built This Village On A Trad. Arr. Tune

2011-04-13T16:06:00.000+01:00

Hello Blogger. Its been a while.

About five years as I recall. Back then, I was merely a dopey 25 year old wannabe writer with a penchant for loud indie rock music, exotically flavoured Toffos (Banana! Toffee! um...!) and slightly uncomfortable honesty when people expected me to write light whimsy about bottoms, biscuits and associated seabirds.

And oh how those days were good, dear Blogger! We dance, we sang, we shared naughty jokes about the headline makers of the era ("Has anyone else noticed that Prince Charles has got big ears?", "Tony Blair? More like Tony B. Lair!", "Where is dad?" etc.). But alas, it could not last and I was lured away by the promises and spiffy templates of Wordpress and you know, the fact it didn't look like some sodden egg boxes painted by a five year old. I can't deny they were some sweet times too - myself and some very good friends created a few new websites - one of which was even quite good

But now, I am back cap in hand, penis in between legs and fog on the Tyne for more adventures in Bloggerland where I've come to try and force myself to write more after seemingly months without putting together anything remotely approaching a long-form project. Whether it'll be every day I don't know as yet but the desire to write in me is growing again. Even if its just a string of poorly crafted nonsense about bottoms, biscuits and associated seabirds.

Its good to be back...