QUIZ: He's Not. He Died On March 17th 1999.

Well, we started the week with a pop quiz so lets end with one. On May 26th 1933, United Artists and Walt Disney released the "Silly Symphony" cartoon "The Three Little Pigs" which gave the world the inescapable hit song "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?" Its hard to believe that there was ever a time when musical staples like that were ever not a thing, as familiar and ubiquitous as "Happy Birthday", "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or "The Boiler".

Its also an incredibly easy question to answer, no matter what those damn porcine pricks suggest, EVERYONE should be afraid of of the big bad wolf. He's got two adjectives in his name and they're both distinctly unfriendly, plus this particular wolf developed the skill to walk on two feet, speak and wear pants. (Not to mention be a tad anti-Semitic.) If only every song title was so easy to answer... hmm, that gives me an idea...

Which song titles could the following statements be answering? 

The year of each record's original release has been added for an extra clue. 

1. Firstly, not my name. Secondly, be more specific. Radio Leeds for example is on 92.4 FM or 774 AM. (1994)

2. You're 44, Mark (although you were 27 when you first asked). (1999)

3. According to Google Maps, the third-largest city by population in California has a large freeway system so take Route 152 onto Route 101 for a more direct route. (1968)

4. It is Robyn Fenty, although you're better known by your middle name. (2010) 

5. Considering Christianity is one of the two most widely practiced religions in Africa, they probably do yes, Bob. (1984)

6. Personally, I hold little truck with the concept of real sorcery but do enjoy watching tricks. (1965)

7. Predominantly between November 1987 and July 1991. (1987) 

8. Depends if you live anywhere near my house, Lenbert old boy. (1993) 

9. Netdoctor.co.uk suggests it could be angina, an aortic aneurysm or pericarditis. (1999)

10. Because of the traffic and public decency laws, you silly Beatles. (1968)

Answers after I get these dogs back in. 

1. What's The Frequency, Kenneth? (REM), 2. What's My Age Again? (Blink 182), 3. Do You Know The Way To San Jose? (Dionne Warwick), 4. What's My Name? (Rihanna), 5. Do They Know Its Christmas? (Band Aid), 6. Do You Believe In Magic? (The Lovin' Spoonful), 7. When Will I Be Famous? (Bros), 8. Are You Gonna Go My Way? (Lenny Kravitz), 9. Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad? (Moby), 10. Why Don't We Do It In The Road? (The Beatles)

QUIZ: Burt Kwouk There

Its been a weird, unsettling and occasionally shocking year for celebrity deaths. Indeed, despite my non-believer status, I'd love to think there's an afterlife like a party full of incongruous stars having a knees up with an all-star band of Bowie, Victoria Wood, Lemmy and Prince entertaining a clapping Ronnie Corbett, Alan Rickman, Paul Daniels and Terry Wogan. And as the centrepiece, the late, dearly missed Burt Kwouk appears in his "dog bed pants" singing "Hey Little Hen" to a standing ovation from the delighted millions. 

Of course, Burt played a myriad of beloved roles including, most famously, Cato in the Pink Panther films, plus Tenko and every oriental gentleman part David Yip wasn't offered in everything from Doctor Who to T-Bag, Space Precinct, The Avengers and Boon on British telly. But it was his role in the 1997-2000 Channel 4 "Harry Hill" shows, initially as a hapless chicken catcher, that cemented my love for him. Series two expanded his role and gave us the mini-sitcom "Harry And Burt At Home"... 

These four to five minute segments would frequently revolve around the two in their shared bunk bed bedroom coming up with ways for Harry to get on zeitgeist-riding sports comedy panel show "They Think Its All Over" and befriend comedian Rory McGrath. Later, in a twist of supreme irony, the final series for Channel 4 (who repeatedly delayed series 3 then completely buried it) featured Harry and Burt trying elaborate schemes to get the former one of those "big ITV cheques". The highlight, however, was the sudden cutaways to snippets of songs, featuring both dressed fully as whoever they were impersonating. Kwouk clearly looked baffled by some of it but was having a whale of a time and gave it a real lift with some fantastic comic timing. 

Here's Burt dressed up in ten of his funniest outfits. Can you work out who he is meant to be in each one? Answers below, after the parade...

And now the Badger Parade! Unless...PARADE'S OFF?! I'd better get down that grooming bay. Quick Burt, do one of your hit songs...

Its going to be bigger than Tenko! Rest in peace, Burt. Thank you for all the laughs.

1. Bob Dylan, 2. Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully), 3. Jonathan Ross, 4. Yoko Ono, 5. A Proclaimer (take your pick which, I like Ian Proclaimer best), 6. Annie Lennox, 7. Rory McGrath (or 'Britain's foremost Rory McGrath impersonator' Roy Bath), 8. Ed Simons (The Chemical Brothers), 9. Ant McPartlin (PJ), 10. Danny O'Donoghue (The Script, used to be on The Voice)

QUIZ: My Beautiful Ratmobile

It'll come as a surprise to the few of you regular readers of this blog that, to keep things fresh, I like to base my quizzes around anniversaries or historical events of note and it was while researching today in history that I saw the following:

May 24th 1988 – Section 28 of the United Kingdom's Local Government Act 1988, a controversial amendment stating that a local authority cannot intentionally promote homosexuality, is enacted.

Even though I was young when it was first introduced, I still remember this ridiculous, insulting and offensive bill being brought to power, not least of all because of various comedy shows ridiculing it. Its a fascinating if depressing bit of recent British history and I urge you all to read up further on it so we are always ready to fight such old-dated unpleasantness if such thinking. I knew I had to do a powerful, thought-provoking quiz to mark the occasion....

...and then I noticed it was also the anniversary of Ray Alan's death. He was never off television with that sodding "posho" puppet Lord Charles when I was a kid but no matter how good a ventriloquist Alan was, he could never hide the fact he had a rubbish puppet. 

And so after a fabulously unnecessary and long-winded introduction, I figured "sod it" and threw both ideas together. The following are all screenshots from ten films voted amongst the 50 greatest pieces of LGBT cinema as voted for by a distinguished panel of experts for Time Out magazine. In the place of an actor however I have silkily and with great skill replaced them with a rubbish TV puppet of the past. If I hadn't told you, you'd never know, I swear. 

And so now, may I proudly present the Official Punk Rock Pub QuizTM round....

"PUPPETS AND GAYS".

Point for the film, point for the puppets. If it helps, I meant well...

1. Kevin The Gerbil in My Beautiful Laundrette, Edd The Duck in Midnight Cowboy, 3. Pob in My Own Private Idaho, 4. Nobby The Sheep in Pride, 5. Badger (Bodger and Badger) in Priscilla Queen Of The Desert, 6. Dooby Duck in Heavenly Creatures, 7. Zippy in Milk, 8. Baby Sinclair (Dinosaurs) in Boys Don't Cry, 9. Orville in Dog Day Afternoon, 10. Rodge and Podge in Brokeback Mountain.

QUIZ: Don't Cut Me Down (Anthropophagous The Beast In Blue)

For someone like me who grew up in the 80's with the dawn of video recorders in many homes and a boom of tapes to play on it, there's always a real nostalgia when looking back, in particular to those days "pre-cert" when anyone could release anything without an official rating from the BBFC, the British Board of Film Censors who judged releases at that time solely for cinema viewing. Whilst being too young to truly appreciate it, there were plenty of news reports and references in comedy programmes to "Video nasties" which became the phrase to describe anything vaguely naughty on VHS.

It was this along with the problems films such as "Reservoir Dogs" had when I was just about going to video shops on my own (still far too young but nobody batted an eyelid at what I got out) and the controversy surrounding films like the rotten "Child's Play 3" that made me grow up assuming the film censors were just humourless gits who wanted to cut all the good bits out of films. In recent years however, the BBFC have made a complete shift towards openness and encouraging interaction with the public, with a fascinating podcast and a website featuring lots of archive reports on old movies. And its into those reports we dig today...

Which ten well-known films are being discussed here in genuine snippets from the real BBFC reports of the time? 

(Names of characters and the films themselves have been 'carefully' censored by me)

 1.

2. 

3.

4. 

5.

                                                                           6. 

7.

 

8. 

                                                                         9.

10.

All images (bar the dodgy bloke) copyright BBFC

The answers are here:

1. Batman, 2. Carry On Camping, 3. Dr Who And the Daleks, 4. Carrie, 5. Watership Down, 6. Pulp Fiction, 7. Quadrophenia, 8. Die Hard, 9. A Hard Day's Night, 10. Mad Max

 If you like this quiz, please share it!

And don't forget my new e-book is out now, priced just 99p! 

QUIZ: Looking Back On Today 1

Telly telly telly. We've all watched it, we've all erm...watched it some more. But can you work out these ten TV programmes that aired in the UK on this very day - 19th May - throughout the past when given their accompanying TV Times and Radio Times write ups?

Answers after this informative article on Boon at home and 37 adverts for sheds... 

And if you like this quiz, please share it! 

1. Blue Peter, 2. University Challenge, 3. Crossroads, 4. Bill and Ben The Flowerpot Men, 5. Who Dares Wins..., 6. Top Of The Pops, 7. Winner Takes All, 8. The Magic Roundabout, 9. Tomorrow's World, 10. Highway

QUIZ: Comedy Books - My Part In Their Downfall

In 2014, I released a book devoted to my love of the TV comedy spin-off books that were frequent stocking fillers from the seventies to the nineties when audiences wanted to spend more time in the company of their favourite telly characters outside of the inevitable six episodes a year. No repeats or video releases? A comedy cash-in would tide you over whilst making a rather cheap and easy Christmas gift for that relative you remember laughing once in 1973.

Today, back in 2016, inspired by the latest Backlisted Podcast, I'm reissuing my "Comedy Cash-In Book Book" in a heavily expanded and revised form as an eBook exclusive for just 99p. You can go buy it here. And my other blog has some more information on what it all means here.

But that doesn't put quiz on the table, does it? So as a bit of crafty self-interest, here's a trivia teaser about books by comedians. Not these comedy cash-ins, autobiographies or lazy reworked stand-up routines crammed on paper but actual - gosh - NOVELS by comedy types! Some serious, some for kids, none by Rob Newman, tell me which funny person wrote the following books?

1. Stark (1989), Popcorn (1996), Inconceivable (1999)

2. Puckoon (1963), Badjelly the Witch (1973), The Looney: An Irish Fantasy (1987)

3. Getting Rid of Mister Kitchen (1996), SilverFin (2005), The Enemy (2009)

4. The Liar (1992), Making History (1996), The Stars' Tennis Balls (2000)

5. Shopgirl (2000), The Pleasure of My Company (2003), An Object of Beauty (2010)

6. Flight From Deathrow (2002), Tim the Tiny Horse (2006), The Further Adventures of the Queen Mum (2007)

7. Small Harry and the Toothache Pills (1982), Hemingway's Chair (1995), The Truth (2012)

8. The Boy in the Dress (2008), Mr Stink (2009), Gangsta Granny (2011)

9. A Tiny Bit Marvellous (2010), Oh Dear Silvia (2012), According to Yes (2015)

10. Mr Lonely (1981), The Reluctant Vampire (1982), The Vampire's Revenge (1983)

And while you're thinking about them, maybe buy a book? 

Answers after Rob Newman invents some oil.

1. Ben Elton, 2. Spike Milligan, 3. Charlie Higson, 4. Stephen Fry, 5. Steve Martin, 6. Harry Hill, 7. Michael Palin, 8. David Walliams, 9. Dawn French, 10. Eric Morecambe

QUIZ: Vote For Me!

Strap your opinions to your face and run to the nearest Scout hut to cast your constitutional right in a little booth because (if you're in England because that's where I perhaps foolishly assume most of my readers come from) Its Voting Day! Whether it's Police commissioner, local council or which flavour delicious New Covent Garden SoupTM you want for dinner, it's important to make sure your voice is heard. Because god knows, the people who disagree with you will be! Donald Drumpf etc.

But what if you could only vote for people whose birthday it is today? Well, thats a frankly ludicrous suggestion and should not be considered. But imagine if that was the premise of a quiz! Which ten candidates born on May 5th are represented here by their campaign pledges?

1. My P.R.O.M.I.S.E. to you is that no matter what happens, I will stand by my manifesto. 

2. No matter where I am flying in the world, I will keep an note in my diaries to stick to the mission and never spam you with yarns.

3. I pledge instant contact. No calls diverted to answer phone. Maybe I could take you for a drink on Tuesday and see how the week goes from there. (Except Sunday.)

4. Some may say it's a fable but as a syndicate of humanity, black and white, we can all make this populous great.

5. Steel yourself for a man who knows what is best for this world, even if I am not from here myself.

6. Despite what my surname suggests, I am neither a sitcom hologram or like to put my wilbus up around the bottom area. No cooking of the books but lets do brunch.

7. I promise a sparing of cutters across the board by 1984. (A sparing of cutters across the board by 1984.) Sorry, is there an echo in here?

8. If elected, I will increase the use of terrifying electronic noises on them big reel to reel tape machines and some oscillator things. If you've got the Time, then I'm your Lady.

9. Hello, its me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet to go over increased EU subsidies on corn and wheat by-product importation.

10. You want a manifesto? I got your manifesto right here. Top marks.

Today is also rapper and repeated woman puncher Chris Brown's birthday but he can, of course, die in a fire. And now the results from the Buttocks (South) council...

1. Tammy Wynette, 2. Michael Palin, 3. Craig David, 4. Peter Molyneux (games designer), 5. Henry Cavill (actor and current Superman), 6. Simon Rimmer (chef), 7. Ian McCulloch (Echo and The Bunnymen), 8. Delia Derbyshire, 9. Adele, 10. Karl Marx