You Are The Generation That Bought Mr Blobby On Cassingle And You Get What You Deserve

My new TV quiz book is out now!

You can buy it by clicking here.

If you know me, this is already pretty self-evident thanks to my healthy but insistent plugging on Facebook, Twitter and that ad I employed Chairface Chippendale to laser onto the moon. But if you're still unsure about buying it, let me try and gently persuade you a little further.

1. Its a TV quiz book

Yeah, so there's a few of those about. Walk in any branch of "The Works" (other middling Queen albums are available) and you'll find the likes of "Bill Beaumont's Big Book Of Bovril Advert Trivia", "The Pubbingest Quiz Quiz Book For Pubs Ever (TV)" and "The Pointless Book Of Bad Observational Comedy In Lieu Of Any Bleedin' Questions". But invariably they're always the same dull book, researched in about 1987, repackaged endlessly on ever cheaper paper with front covers that look a bit like some beer. Because YOU LIKE THAT.

I think my TV quiz book is unique because of my sense of humour which I've tried to pepper throughout the book, be it the daft titles like "Points of Groo", "Play That Funky Music Del Boy", "Bully's Special Piss" or "David Brent: Life In The Bin"; or questions such as "True or False: Actor Don Hastings soiled himself during a live episode of "As The World Turns" after badly misjudging a fart." to which the answer is much more interesting than you'd expect.

2. There are over 50 all new quizzes written by me. 

Where you'll find the answers to questions like:

- Was there a Spectrum game where Benny Hill went round taking bras off washing lines?
- Can you name the Canadian comic actor who took the lead role in short-lived animated series "Gravedale High"?
- Which TV series was advertised on the Radio Times with the punning headline "Cheque Mates"?
- What BBC sketch show was nearly called "Peter Sellers Is Dead"?
- Squeeze were the first guests on which series later famous for appearances by Eric Clapton, Mariah Carey and Nirvana?
- What connects Postman Pat and US sitcom Community?
- Which member of The Monkees appeared on the same episode of "The Ed Sullivan Show" on which The Beatles made their debut?

- Did religious programming host Jess Yates invent Doctor Who villains the Macra? 

And hundreds more!

3. Its not available in the shops. 

Remotely Interesting is being ordered to demand by me from a website called Lulu. Its not cheap but its the best way I've found to get the job done. It also means that if you're looking for a unique gift for the telly addict in your life, my book (and its reasonably priced predecessors) is the perfect choice as they're not likely to have bought it themselves or received it from anyone else. And lets be honest, buying gifts is a pain in the arse, so let me help you!

4. There's something for all the family. 

Yes, even Uncle Ken and his "ruptures". When I was a kid I loved watching Telly Addicts with Noel Tidybeard and we even got the 'Family' variant spin-off board game of it some time in the early 90s. Both were fascinating but utterly frustrating to me as a kid. I loved the old clips but how the hell am I meant to know what an Onedin Line is? Who cares about Compact? Why should I go Howard's Way? With this in mind, Ive tried to make sure there are questions for everyone in the book - from the smarty pants small-screen spod to the casual couch tripper, ages 8 to Subtitles 888.

5. Its a great way to support me.

If you've been a regular reader of this blog, my Twitter or listened to my far too numerous podcasts in the past and you liked them, buying a book is a good way to say thank you and give me a few quid so I can continue. I'm trying to make a living out of writing currently so any support that way would be extremely beneficial. And to make spending your money even more fun, there's even a Collector's Edition version of the book with bonus questions, badges, music, games and silliness for a small amount more.  And if you're feeling particularly generous, an "Extreme Altruism" stream for deranged millionaires everywhere!

So, why not buy a book from this link here?

I hope people haven't felt too dogged by my advertising of the book but I'm very proud of it and know people will love it if they give it a nose. To encourage you ever further, I've set up a separate Tumblr to which I'm posting my favourite TV related oddities from my files every day. You can find that by clicking THIS CAPS LOCK MONSTROSITY HERE.

Help support local idiocy, buy a book today!

QUIZ: Looking Back On Today 2

We all love the telly, right? Shows like "The Big Bread-Off", "Britain's Got Some Tapdancers" and "Baddiel's Syndrome" are all we as a nation ever talk about by the 'watered coolers' of Great Britain. And don't even get me started on "Game Of Chairs"!!!!! Honestly, some days I think I watch so much TV I should get a badge for it!!!

Um...ok, that was weird. Moving on...

So, in order to scratch your TV itch, here's another "Looking Back On Today" quiz. Another chance to dip into the schedules of yesteryear and pull out some plums. Not like that, that's right out. But...

...What are these ten programmes that originally aired on this date - 3rd May - in the UK? 

Remember! If you like this quiz, please share it with your friends! 

And now a piece of thinking-time music before the answers. 

NO! 

1. Play School, 2. Spitting Image, 3. Call My Bluff, 4. The Waltons, 5. Vision On, 6. V, 7. 'Allo 'Allo, 8. Right To Reply, 9. The Magic Roundabout, 10. The Old Grey Whistle Test

QUIZ: Burt Kwouk There

Its been a weird, unsettling and occasionally shocking year for celebrity deaths. Indeed, despite my non-believer status, I'd love to think there's an afterlife like a party full of incongruous stars having a knees up with an all-star band of Bowie, Victoria Wood, Lemmy and Prince entertaining a clapping Ronnie Corbett, Alan Rickman, Paul Daniels and Terry Wogan. And as the centrepiece, the late, dearly missed Burt Kwouk appears in his "dog bed pants" singing "Hey Little Hen" to a standing ovation from the delighted millions. 

Of course, Burt played a myriad of beloved roles including, most famously, Cato in the Pink Panther films, plus Tenko and every oriental gentleman part David Yip wasn't offered in everything from Doctor Who to T-Bag, Space Precinct, The Avengers and Boon on British telly. But it was his role in the 1997-2000 Channel 4 "Harry Hill" shows, initially as a hapless chicken catcher, that cemented my love for him. Series two expanded his role and gave us the mini-sitcom "Harry And Burt At Home"... 

These four to five minute segments would frequently revolve around the two in their shared bunk bed bedroom coming up with ways for Harry to get on zeitgeist-riding sports comedy panel show "They Think Its All Over" and befriend comedian Rory McGrath. Later, in a twist of supreme irony, the final series for Channel 4 (who repeatedly delayed series 3 then completely buried it) featured Harry and Burt trying elaborate schemes to get the former one of those "big ITV cheques". The highlight, however, was the sudden cutaways to snippets of songs, featuring both dressed fully as whoever they were impersonating. Kwouk clearly looked baffled by some of it but was having a whale of a time and gave it a real lift with some fantastic comic timing. 

Here's Burt dressed up in ten of his funniest outfits. Can you work out who he is meant to be in each one? Answers below, after the parade...

And now the Badger Parade! Unless...PARADE'S OFF?! I'd better get down that grooming bay. Quick Burt, do one of your hit songs...

Its going to be bigger than Tenko! Rest in peace, Burt. Thank you for all the laughs.

1. Bob Dylan, 2. Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully), 3. Jonathan Ross, 4. Yoko Ono, 5. A Proclaimer (take your pick which, I like Ian Proclaimer best), 6. Annie Lennox, 7. Rory McGrath (or 'Britain's foremost Rory McGrath impersonator' Roy Bath), 8. Ed Simons (The Chemical Brothers), 9. Ant McPartlin (PJ), 10. Danny O'Donoghue (The Script, used to be on The Voice)

QUIZ: Don't Cut Me Down (Anthropophagous The Beast In Blue)

For someone like me who grew up in the 80's with the dawn of video recorders in many homes and a boom of tapes to play on it, there's always a real nostalgia when looking back, in particular to those days "pre-cert" when anyone could release anything without an official rating from the BBFC, the British Board of Film Censors who judged releases at that time solely for cinema viewing. Whilst being too young to truly appreciate it, there were plenty of news reports and references in comedy programmes to "Video nasties" which became the phrase to describe anything vaguely naughty on VHS.

It was this along with the problems films such as "Reservoir Dogs" had when I was just about going to video shops on my own (still far too young but nobody batted an eyelid at what I got out) and the controversy surrounding films like the rotten "Child's Play 3" that made me grow up assuming the film censors were just humourless gits who wanted to cut all the good bits out of films. In recent years however, the BBFC have made a complete shift towards openness and encouraging interaction with the public, with a fascinating podcast and a website featuring lots of archive reports on old movies. And its into those reports we dig today...

Which ten well-known films are being discussed here in genuine snippets from the real BBFC reports of the time? 

(Names of characters and the films themselves have been 'carefully' censored by me)

 1.

2. 

3.

4. 

5.

                                                                           6. 

7.

 

8. 

                                                                         9.

10.

All images (bar the dodgy bloke) copyright BBFC

The answers are here:

1. Batman, 2. Carry On Camping, 3. Dr Who And the Daleks, 4. Carrie, 5. Watership Down, 6. Pulp Fiction, 7. Quadrophenia, 8. Die Hard, 9. A Hard Day's Night, 10. Mad Max

 If you like this quiz, please share it!

And don't forget my new e-book is out now, priced just 99p! 

QUIZ: Looking Back On Today 1

Telly telly telly. We've all watched it, we've all erm...watched it some more. But can you work out these ten TV programmes that aired in the UK on this very day - 19th May - throughout the past when given their accompanying TV Times and Radio Times write ups?

Answers after this informative article on Boon at home and 37 adverts for sheds... 

And if you like this quiz, please share it! 

1. Blue Peter, 2. University Challenge, 3. Crossroads, 4. Bill and Ben The Flowerpot Men, 5. Who Dares Wins..., 6. Top Of The Pops, 7. Winner Takes All, 8. The Magic Roundabout, 9. Tomorrow's World, 10. Highway

QUIZ: Vote For Me!

Strap your opinions to your face and run to the nearest Scout hut to cast your constitutional right in a little booth because (if you're in England because that's where I perhaps foolishly assume most of my readers come from) Its Voting Day! Whether it's Police commissioner, local council or which flavour delicious New Covent Garden SoupTM you want for dinner, it's important to make sure your voice is heard. Because god knows, the people who disagree with you will be! Donald Drumpf etc.

But what if you could only vote for people whose birthday it is today? Well, thats a frankly ludicrous suggestion and should not be considered. But imagine if that was the premise of a quiz! Which ten candidates born on May 5th are represented here by their campaign pledges?

1. My P.R.O.M.I.S.E. to you is that no matter what happens, I will stand by my manifesto. 

2. No matter where I am flying in the world, I will keep an note in my diaries to stick to the mission and never spam you with yarns.

3. I pledge instant contact. No calls diverted to answer phone. Maybe I could take you for a drink on Tuesday and see how the week goes from there. (Except Sunday.)

4. Some may say it's a fable but as a syndicate of humanity, black and white, we can all make this populous great.

5. Steel yourself for a man who knows what is best for this world, even if I am not from here myself.

6. Despite what my surname suggests, I am neither a sitcom hologram or like to put my wilbus up around the bottom area. No cooking of the books but lets do brunch.

7. I promise a sparing of cutters across the board by 1984. (A sparing of cutters across the board by 1984.) Sorry, is there an echo in here?

8. If elected, I will increase the use of terrifying electronic noises on them big reel to reel tape machines and some oscillator things. If you've got the Time, then I'm your Lady.

9. Hello, its me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet to go over increased EU subsidies on corn and wheat by-product importation.

10. You want a manifesto? I got your manifesto right here. Top marks.

Today is also rapper and repeated woman puncher Chris Brown's birthday but he can, of course, die in a fire. And now the results from the Buttocks (South) council...

1. Tammy Wynette, 2. Michael Palin, 3. Craig David, 4. Peter Molyneux (games designer), 5. Henry Cavill (actor and current Superman), 6. Simon Rimmer (chef), 7. Ian McCulloch (Echo and The Bunnymen), 8. Delia Derbyshire, 9. Adele, 10. Karl Marx

QUIZ: Happy Birthday Ian Darts

"Its only a game / so put up a real big fight / I'm gonna be / throwing some darts / tonight". So almost went the theme to a programme not about darts but I couldn't think of any songs about that and I'm fairly sure music by the 70s pop act Darts wouldn't count. I'll start again...

It's Eric Bristow's birthday! "The Crafty Cockney" is 59 today and still probably the most famous darts player in the world after Phil "The Power" Powerington, Ian Darts and the late Harry Secombe. His autobiography (amazingly titled "The Crafty Cockney") is one of the finest books on sport ever to be written by a man named Eric Bristow. To celebrate, I've got ten quotes from it here for you. But only six of them are real - can you find the fake flight-flingers and the true tungsten-tipped talking?

As they say in darts - LETS DARTS!

1. "My first detention was for farting on the school headmaster. He called me a 'darts-obsessed youth' and I called him a 'non-darting fanny'. I had to write a thousand lines about being respectful to my elders. I thought 'We'll see who has the last laugh when I pick up the News Of the World Under 18s Trophy!"

2. "I always walked the streets with a claw hammer stuffed down the front of my trousers in case of any trouble. Everywhere I went I took it with me. That claw hammer became my best friend. It got me out of some sticky situations because you never felt totally safe walking the streets of Stoke Newington."

3. "In 1988, I was asked to be a guest on Paul Daniels' Magic Programme and I thought why not, something to show the kids so went on and was asked to tie the feller into a mummy's tomb thing. I genuinely couldn't see how it was done and I worked out who did it in Murder On The Orient Express in 20 minutes. But that little baldy was just too quick for me that day. Dickhead."

4. "I loved having babies around the house. I was fine with changing nappies and mopping up sick. I was a New Man before the term had even been coined."

5. "I've always loved the darts but if there was money in playing Connect Four, I'd have happily been World Champion at that. I just always seem to win my games. Its like a magic spell. I was shit at Buckaroo though."

6. "I blame Roy Castle for the smoking ban. I did a few charity events in aid of the Roy Castle Foundation and the one thing that got me was how all the smokers there were frightened to light up. I just went dink at the first opportunity and puffed away. Then I’d hear the dink, dink, dink of other people’s lighters as they followed suit. What a bunch of idiots."

7. "We were all in the pub one night having a bit of after-time and Brian got a bit rough with this gay and started pulling him about. He was having a laugh, but going a bit over the top, as he was inclined to do when he’d had a few beers. He ended up pulling this gay by the arm and it came off in Brian’s hand. Brian just stared at this arm in bewilderment. I was on the floor rolling about with laughter. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. In the end the one-armed gay landlord said, ‘Give me my arm back,’ snatched it off Brian and put it back in the socket."

8. "In 1987, I was playing in an American casino when a Yank came up to me and said, ‘You crazy mad Brits, shooting all those people in Hungerford.’ He was referring to the Hungerford massacre when Michael Ryan shot and killed sixteen people with two semi-automatic rifles and a handgun before turning the weapons on himself. I said, ‘I’ve never heard of Hungerford, you dickhead. What are you on about?'

9. "I've never believed in ghosts but one night coming back to the hotel in Manchester after a few too many sherbets I got a bit lost and had to ask directions from this black geezer in a fancy hat. He put me on the straight path and the next morning after a full English and a kip I thought I'd go out and find this guy to offering him two tickets to the final for being so kind. But when I went back he'd gone and nobody around had any memory of seeing him. Still haunts me to this day."

10. "We were all in the green room before filming started when Rod Hull came into the bar. He was the surprise celebrity guest who came on at the end of the show. I wasn’t keen on him; I’d seen what he did with other people. He basically used the puppet to feel up women and stick his hand between people’s legs. It was out of order. We’d all had a drink, perhaps one or two more than we should  I went straight up Rod Hull’s face, eyeball to eyeball, and said, ‘Now listen, pal. When you come on set later on with that fucking silly bird of yours, if you come anywhere near me with that fucking thing I will knock you out straight, on telly, whether it’s fucking live or not. I will bop you.’

 


When Hull came on later on he was pulling Jim Bowen all over the place with his stupid Emu, but he didn’t come anywhere near us; he daren’t. Then the silly sod went and fell off his roof and died some years later. What a plonker. When I heard about it I thought, well it’s a pity that bird can’t fly or it could’ve saved him. I didn’t like Rod Hull. He was a pervert who was getting away with something that wasn’t right. That’s why if he’d touched me inappropriately with his hand I would’ve sparked him. His bottle went when I threatened him. He’d only come down to have a quiet drink before the show, but I had to nip it in the bud. I didn’t want another situation developing as happened on Michael Parkinson’s show a few years earlier where he assaulted Michael so much that he fell backwards off his chair. That was well out of order."

Answers after the old Bull and Bush....

The real quotes are 2, 4, 6, 7, 8 and 10. Especially 10.

QUIZ: Looking Back At Look In 4

Who knew when I launched this blog that one of the most popular features would very quickly turn out to be wonky watercolour paintings of 1970's celebrities? Well, everyone probably because no matter how much we say its "sociological research into pre-Thatcherite Britain" and "valid social history", really we're just fascinated at the fact a magazine could look like that in this modern age of glossy, gift-bulging titles. Doesn't hurt some of the contents are (as they should be) baffling to a 2016 audience. But, as always, now ask the question: "Who the f**k ...in Look-In?"

Which celebrities are seen here in all their 70s pomp and glory? 

Answers afer OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? 

David Kid Jensen, Mike Reid, David Cassidy, Les Dawson as Superflop

QUIZ: Long Dark Twenty

Did you know that as well as being a world champion quizzist and powerful blog-wrangler, I also write and perform for various podcasts? One of which is "From The Sublime", an excellent review of recent pop-culture put together by journalist Iain Hepburn.



The latest episode is now available to download and is a special "1996" themed show with features on the likes of This Life, the much missed Neon magazine, Baddiel, Skinner and the brief spell of Euro 96 fever, pop and the promise of Babylon Zoo, WWF vs WWE vs NWO, celebrating Scottish fiction with the Children of Albion Rovers and there's myself talking about the time Bob Mortimer and Noel Gallagher went to Chris Evans house for Good Friday tea. 

As a bit of cross promotional confrontation, here's a special 1996 movie quiz in which SIXTEEN of the year's biggest films have had their logos adapted to make a sentence....just. How much do you remember about the tinseltown tosspots of twenty years ago? Lets find out...

Answers after some fashionable heroin.

Independence Day, Twister, Mission: Impossible, The Rock, The First Wives Club, Romeo and Juliet, Ransom, The Cable Guy, Trainspotting, Striptease, Mars Attacks!, Eraser, The Birdcage, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Jerry Maguire, 101 Dalmatians

QUIZ: Looking Back At Look In 3

And so as the internet lights four candles for the passing of A Ronnie, we'd best have a nice gentle lunchtime quiz here at the blog. So we return to the heyday of the Rons, the imperial seventies and another run of four Look-In cover stars that could be anyone from Barbara Lott to Barbapapa, as I ask "Who the f**k ...in Look-In?" 

And whilst you think on them, lets all listen to our new national anthem....

1. Ronnie Alvin Stardust, 2. Ronnie Cat Stevens, 3. Ronnie Sparks, 4. Ronnie Madness

QUIZ: Turn On Toon In And Switch Off

Happy birthday Joseph Barbera! Off of Hanna-Barbera! Even though you technically died in 2006! We all know and love the H/B cartoons of old - or do we? Our collective selective memory will always remember characters such as The Flintstones, Huckleberry Hound, Boss Top, Whatever The Frig Snagglepuss Was and Boring Yogi Bear whilst filtering out the very real and existing likes of Mighty Mightor, Cattanooga Cats, Devlin, The Roman Holidays, CB Bears and Where's Huddles? 

Can you pick out the five real Hanna Barbera cartoons from this list of ten possibilities? 

1. Chappy, Chompy and Chippy

2. Punkin' Puss & Mushmouse

3. Determined Duck

4. Sir Knightsly Knight And His Kookoo Kourt

5. Breezly and Sneezly

6. The Brown Bunny 

7. Squiddly Diddly

8. Ricochet Rabbit & Droop-a-Long

9. The Discolites

10. The Gary Coleman Show

Answers after these prayers.

A: Chappy, Chompy and Chippy, Determined Duck, Sir Knightsly Knight And His Kookoo Kourt, The Brown Bunny and The Discolites are fake. The others are all too real.

QUIZ: Looking Back At Look In 2

Time for four more "famous" "faces" as featured on the front cover of the once-mighty Look-In magazine in the seventies and early eighties. On first peep, I declare the answers to be "Randy Grandad", Glynis Barber off Blakes 7, Tarbuck (Experiment Failed) and the stars of "The All New Already Vetoed Monkey Sex Pals Show". I could be wrong though...what do you reckon? Who the f**k is in Look-In?

Answers below. 

1. Noddy Holder, 2. Kim Wilde, 3. Little Jimmy Osmond, 4. Greg Evigan (BJ and the Bear)

QUIZ: Looking Back At Look In 1

For those of a certain age, Look-In magazine was the go to place to learn about the latest trends in pop, film and television, specifically ITV programmes on the myriad of now-long dissolved telly regions. One of the key features that made it stand out from its pop mag brethren was its eschewing of photographs in favour of especially commissioned painted covers, invariably done by respected Italian film poster artist Arnaldo Putzu.

Sometimes this resulted in a wonderful, unique rendering of a current favourite, such as this wonderful "Monster" mash-up...

But sometimes under tight deadlines and less than reliable source material, it could go a bit wrong and you'd end up with something like...I do not know what this is...

And so, a regular feature here on the blog will be "Who The Fuck...in Look-In?" devoted to four not necessarily obvious cover stars of the past. Here's the first...

Answers below....

1. Bryan Ferry, 2. Gary Numan, 3. David Jason, 4. The Police